This is going to be more of a reflection than anything else. But since my children are quickly growing past my reach, and what better way than putting the 12 year old twins next to the 2 year old short legs to see this, I will take this time to really savor the moment. This will, undoubtedly, be a long post. I’m starting on Wednesday the 23rd… let’s see when it gets posted! 
I’m going to eat away a bunch of my storage limit adding pics too. Everybody likes pictures, huh?
Twelve years ago my husband and I were busy, like all young couples, trying to stay out of debt long enough to make it to the holy grail of education. For him ~ a wonderful, well-paying profession – not a job, but something he could dream about and be fulfilled in. For me ~ well, we hadn’t really figured that out yet since I had left my college days without a degree. I spent my time at a department store, thinking of all of the “what ifs”. What if I went back to school? Would I finish my education degree or go for something else… library sciences, or art history. Either would have probably turned out to be just as unfulfilling as the teaching degree.
We answered any questions about my near term future without much conversation, debate or planning. When I found out I was pregnant in the fall of 1994 (WOW! That’s a long time ago!), we were very happy. A little anxious about how we would handle this since my Heart was still in graduate studies, but the little ray of light that fell into that was the expectation of everything his studies would do for us afterwards. So, we could bide our time and put in the work. Most people do. When he saw that second little arm in the ultrasound, things got a little more interesting, but just a lot more of the same kind of story for us. For more on the birth of the twins, you can read this post.
When S and P were little, my life was everything to do with them ~ schedules, sickness, who they got to play and when, a support group for me because of them. The biggest cart I could find at Kroger because they were in tow. Not going here, there or the other place because they were potty training or it was their nap time or because children were not really expected to be there. I loved my children dearly and this self-imposed isolation was not a burden for me. I could not understand the moms who needed to go back to work for their sanity. It’s just the way some of us are wired. This is not to say that we didn’t go places, but I took them on our terms, not anybody else’s. I did end up taking my children to a lot of functions, whether the folks in charge liked it or not. We were, for the most part, a package deal. And they behaved well, because they were required to. When they didn’t, I was upset with them, they were disciplined, end of story. I did not have very many complaints from anyone around them. Not even the ones that you know go unsaid… S and P were VERY well behaved and I had enough forethought in most cases to plan ahead with snacks and quiet activities. I didn’t get a whole lot of time to myself, so my adult time required them to be on their best behavior. So, I guess THAT saved my sanity, rather than me having to go back to work. They are better off for it, too.
Raising them has been one of the few true joys in my life, joy being that thing God gives you when everything seems to be, at the least, challenging, at the worst, going against you. Joy has been something that I could touch in every day, no matter what. My children’s hands in mine, their faces turned to me, their happiness challenging every other thing in our lives to remain little and in the background.
Until about 4 years ago, there wasn’t a view outside my window that did not involve them. I was Momma. Homeschooling grew out of that. Then Daddy thought it best -for several reasons that, only with the benefit of hindsight, seem not so significant now – to send them to a public school. Begrudgingly at first, I got a renewed taste of adult life and possibilities and my dear Heart’s belief in me and that I could do whatever I set my mind to do. I started my business and I was suddenly not only Momma, but a teacher with experience in the trenches! An easy-going one that a lot of fellow mommies could stand with. I had insights and ideas and concerns that made me more than a Momma – I was a compatriot in the land of parental ups and downs. Everything I had been through now had more of an outlet than just my own, which seems a bit selfish and self-centered, things I’ve never wanted to be. I found a lot of happiness in helping other parents through my classes, but not joy. That’s OK though. There are a lot of things in this life you are just not meant to put that high up on the shelf of priorities.
So S and P came back home after a year. Shortly after beginning that school year we began to expect the addition to our family that was not only not planned, but walked away from. God has a way, just when we think we are in control of our lives, of reminding us that we are not.
Through His grace we received M with joy like we had not known in 10 years, with unbelievably the same attendant challenges. (More of the M story here.) It was at this time that my Heart decided that the lack of moral aptitude in state government had reached it’s limit with him. So he left that job to begin his own business in web solutions for businesses ~ websites with databases behind them that did exactly what the company wanted it to do. I have never seen him more fulfilled than when he labored over THAT baby!
Now, after 2 years with a constant but slow growing business, he went out to supplement that income with something reliable that he doesn’t have to turn around and pour everything back into. He use to say”42 and out”… meaning, S and P would graduate high school and we would be out of the parenting 24/7 phase (as if!) and into a time when we decided things for our life and didn’t have it decided for us. On this side of things, I think we were putting way too much stock in the future instead of living our today. We were happy and content, but life is different when you have a baby in the house and 18 more years to look forward to. With a little one, you’re much more apt to catch the times between naps for things that matter and make them happen; much more apt to recognize the big events and that they require your time, energy and joy poured back into it.
When my dear friend of a lifetime was expecting her second she told me that it was like watching a good movie over again. You know everything that’s coming, but you anticipate all the good times and savor them. When I roll the film back in my old age… to recall that I was an uptight first time parent or a lax second time arounder, to picture in my mind the times I sat on the floor with my children and colored or took them out for a picnic and to feed the ducks just because… I want to remember that it was because I became Mommy that I became Me. Mommy didn’t replace me, it filled in the cracks and crevices and made me more complete. Being Mommy made me confident that I could handle anything and capable enough to take the first step. The first step in many more miles that I look forward to.
