Archive for December, 2009


I just woke myself up from one of the most surreal dreams I have had in a long time.  Kind of the type Scrooge had mixed with a little of Dorothy’s with several people wearing real faces… you know- from real life… downtown Tammy-land.  Freaked me out a bit and it took quite a bit to wake myself out of it.

What is that space called in the middle of the subway tracks… where if you fall, you die?  There’s a name for it and I can’t remember it right now… anyway.  I was in this train station sort of place, people waiting on both sides… crowding around really – watching, like egging a fight on.  Only the “fight” was a different group of people every time who would be attempting to cross the tracks.  They had it timed with the sound of the oncoming trains so they thought they knew when they could dart across.

So, one of these real life Tammy-land people had invited me to come to this place… really excited about it, he was.  But I get there and this person kind of nonchalantly makes it to the other side and leaves me to get across.   And I’m panicking and not sure if I can do it and missing home and my family.  A woman that I knew from many years ago, but hardly ever have contact with now, hands me a cell phone and tells me to call them and I end up timing the trains for myself and running across.   Only now it seems like this is the end of the dream… you know how dreams keep getting themselves flip flopped around after you wake.  But it seems like there was a much more relaxed beginning now that I’m awake.

Like I was tempted into this other place by thoughts that had played around in my brain when it was quiet, and this guy was just “real enough” to get me to go look.  Presenting me with all kinds of tempting reasons to stay… and it took me a while to make up my mind.  (I remember barely waking up to look at the clock in the dark.)  But in the end it just physically hurt to not be able to get home.  And when I woke up, a kind of deep sadness and regret and relief.

And this intense need to say “you were there! and you and you!”.   Sometimes I hate what my brain does to me when I’m not looking.


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Carol (to be sung to ‘We Three Kings’)

by John Whitworth

Come to our Nativity play

Raggy doll asleep on the hay

Itchy knickers, bogey-pickers,

I’ve got a bit to say.

O, I’m the star as you can tell

I’m the Angel Gabriel.

Silver wings and halo thing and

Glittery tights as well.

They two kings of orient are

Kevin jones and Dominic Barr.

Barry Bright has tonsilitis-

Sick in his father’s car.

See the shepherds watching their sheep.

Amber Cardy’s gone off to sleep.

She was snogging Nathaniel Hogg in a

Cupboard and he’s a creep!

Mary, Mary, good as can be

Thinks she’s always better than me

Till my candle burns her sandal

Quite accidentally.

Adam’s Herod, up on a chair

In his robe and underwear.

It’s so rude, he’s nearly NUDE

And I saw his pants, so there.

Mums and Grandmas sit in a row,

Toddlers want to be in the show,

Dads who are able to stand on a table to

Get it on video.

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Just ranting a bit…

Well, not really ranting… more like shpieling…  The 4 year old is still asleep (??) and it’s quiet – too quiet – around here without the other two, so I find the voices in my head are getting just a bit too loud.  Plus, it affords me another reason, like I need one, to see if FB is cross posting for me.  It had stopped and I never did figure out quite why, so this will be incentive.

Had a loverly time with friends yesterday.  Had to get Moira out of the house.  You know, she’s REALLY social.  I mean, when people refer to someone as a social creature, you think it’s just another moniker.  But I do believe this child is going to be of the type that needs to be surrounded by people all of the time!  I’m going to have to train her out of that or she will be an unhappy person later in life, I believe.

Anyway, she’s been missing the tweens more than I thought she would.  Which is sweet – the 4 year old missing the second mother and bully brother.  That’s the kind of love that goes deep… not just that sad state where people mourn their captor’s loss.  For quite some time she’s been the child who would cry when someone left the house.  Missing them enough to kill her until she remembered there was ice cream to be had… or something special to do.  Or some other preschool distraction.  And I used that.  Boy, did I use that distraction technique! 😉  But I guess she’s old enough now to have some of that permanence of thought going on… that knowledge that someone she loves is not where they should be.  Well, granted, “should be” according to my 4 year old girly!  Which is where the problem arises because most everybody she knows has a life to live that doesn’t necessarily include her 24/7 (obviously, Mom is not included in that description because she is my entire state of being, right?).

Oh my gosh!  We went to spend the afternoon with friends yesterday.  Coming home (it’s a 45-ish minute drive), she falls asleep.  Yeah, it’s only 5:30, but it’s dark outside so that means you sleep.  She wakes up not 5 minutes from home and just starts bawling!  “I miss Philwiiiip!”  One of our friends… Apparently he belongs to her now, though… and he wasn’t where he was supposed to be!  Never mind that we were in the company of two other very wonderful friends.  One of which gave her, like, her own little special Christmas morning full of gifties.  But I’m guessing because “Phliwip” has this alternate state of being – he serves as a very serviceable jungle gym;  not to mention that he turns into this big kid himself with Moira around… yeah.  So, Philwip, if you’re reading this, please know:  Moira has to endure one more week with her mother’s constant attentions (not enough), and would welcome a playdate.  She says to assure you that tea will be served to you and ALL of her Pollies and Barbies.  And if you like grilled cheese sandwiches, I’m getting pretty good at those again too.

So!  What’s left on our agenda?  Some store browsing today… need to purchase a gift card, need to take a $10 coupon to Kohl’s and find some clothing for the 4 year old so that she can outgrow them next week, need to take a picture frame back and need to purchase ice cream.  By the way… why do we start REALLY wanting ice cream when it starts getting colder?  I think it has something to do with the fat content… yeah.  I’m going with that.

Going to madrigal tonight… maybe a concert Monday… Christine’s coming to visit Tuesday… maybe some younger friends to visit next week sometime.  And I’ve been thinking I needed another perm and haircut.  But, honey!  Let me tell you… I was able to make my hair look somewhat good yesterday with very little effort (which is the operative phrase here).  So, maybe I can put it off a little longer.  This is a blatant call for responses from those that actually saw me yesterday.  Because you know, perceptions are different.  YOU actually saw the back of my head!

Hope everyone is enjoying a very merry Christmas season so far!

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