Archive for March, 2010

Today at the Park

Moira and I met a wonderful Dad and his daughter.  Since Moira had Jumpy, her kitten, with her… conversation ensued.   Dad explained to us that Ava had a cat at home whose name is Paca (sp?) – Swahili for “cat”.  And Ava is growing up bilingual… how cool is that?

Also found a woodpecker tree next to the playground which I hope to visit several more times this spring… I think there may be some babies up there.  Ahhh… spring IS in the air!

On the way home Moira says “Hey, look!  A granola tree!”  I say “You mean a magnolia tree?”  “No, it’s called a granola tree..(as we’re turning into our driveway) see!  A granola tree!”  LOL


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Spring Fun 3

Starry Messenger

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Spring Fun 2


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WOW we have been busy the past little bit!  Last Thursday was field trip day.  Just in time to dispel our winter cabin fever and welcome spring!

Hadley Pottery

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Doing all of my entry possibilities for this thing… it would be nice to not have to pull from a thousand different sources for lapbook learning…


Our Busy Homeschool:


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Not Alone In 22

I have now been in Rupp Arena (counting on my fingers here…) 2 times!  The first was while I was in college there, comp student tickets to the basketball game (I’ve never been a sports fan… it was more an “experience” kind of thing).   So, nosebleed section.  Maybe even above section 22, I don’t even remember.  All I remember  is having to stand the ENTIRE time.  Non-fan, here… standing,… not exactly the experience this young college person was looking for.  But, que sera…  I was there with my Dear Heart before he legally felt duty bound to take me places, so it was all good.

Flash forward to Saturday night.  I find myself again in Rupp Arena, only this time I SO want to be there!  This is the experience thing, the band fan thing, the youth group/being with my children thing.  This is the whole enchilada for me.  Were my Dear Heart there, it would have been near perfection, but he wasn’t.  So,  small rabbit trail from my primary intentions with this schpiel:  Third Day ROCKED!  Awesomness thumping through Rupp at, like 1000’s of decibels… or would something “replace your heartbeat” loud and thumpy be a bel?  (For an interesting  though highly mathematical look into the topic: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decibel  .)  Anyway, and regardless – I was totally into that concert.  My first really big concert experience.  Worth more than the $10 door price.  Really liked most of the bands last night – Fireflight, Sidewalk Prophets, Newsboys, New Song, 10th Avenue North.  But I have been a Third Day fan since, oh… I don’t know… the tweens were toddlers.   AND I GOT TO JUMP!  No wooden stage here to break down… so the thousands of screaming, rocking, arm waving, cell phone lighting fans had one less worry.  Side side note – who knew everybody and their uncle had a cell phone?  Well, I guess I did have some inkling, but I don’t really appreciate the device much.  So I just got to stand and appreciate it a little while being one of a handful maybe of non-cell phone holders in a sea of cell phone lightening bugs.  It was probably safer than holding up lit candles or lighters.  I felt safer, though not quite so cozy.  Anyway, I digress.

Like I said, the one thing that would have made it perfect would have been to have my husband there to enjoy the thumping with us.  He SO would have had more than a few words to say about all of the interjected “commercials” for this mission or that charity… but being the economist, he would have seen the logic, I’m sure.  So, as you can see, whether he knew it or not… he was there in spirit.  Because I was there.  A poem for your consideration by e e cummings:

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I feel like I’m kind of in on this big cosmic secret that it’s somehow hard for a lot of people to hear or see or find.  Not that I’m anything intellectual – believe me, the stuff I think I know is hard won.  And it’s a secret that is there for public consumption.  Really.  You have to trust me on this.  I’m not incredibly philosophical… no great in-depths of knowledge or being in touch with ???.  It’s just this- the relationship that Tom and I started 22 years ago quickly evolved into one I was not willing to let go.  Within a year, even.  For him, it took much longer.  Now, on this side of continuing maturity, I know that I was a weak young person with only a fledgling degree of self-esteem.  I was the typical band geek/wall flower.  And when I was “good enough” for this one person, I wasn’t going to let him go.  There were several times, even after we were married, that it didn’t look good for us.  Things could have gone south pretty quickly.  And maybe even in his estimation, they had.  Maybe had I just accepted the “inevitable”, I would be a single mother right now.  And before you question or marvel at some strength levels, let me just say it wasn’t any amount of strength.  I don’t have it in me to be that strong.  I don’t even have great depths of patience.  What I guess I have is perseverance… the ability to just wait out situations.

It didn’t hurt that conversation became a skill that we figured out the more appropriate timing of.  Sometimes I do think it’s safer on a relationship to go to bed before the conversation.  I know that flies against popular advice.  And it was NOT easy when a conversation took days or weeks or even months to have.  But, I will say this also… that didn’t mean I went to bed angry.  I have cried in my pillow quite a bit.  And I have been disillusioned and despairing.  I don’t live in some rose-colored world.  But I just refuse to stay there.    And I refuse to let a conversation in my mind rob me of the possibilities.  But even in refusal, it’s not as heroic as all that.  It’s just living.  It’s going through the steps until the steps line up with a path that seems more certain – until the next fork, anyway.

For me, it doesn’t hurt that I’ve lived in my knowledge of Someone greater than me since 1980.  As I’ve walked, I’ve learned to recognize what aloneness looks like and feels like and what it does to me.

Forever seems so distant
Much further than today
You turn around and in an instant
You find that you are just as far from yesterday
The day it feels like winter
The night it feels like stone
You turn around and you remember
When you’re surrounded
You can still feel so alone

But it’s in between the start and end
I find myself once again
Questioning this place
Calling out your name
San Angelo

What do you know
And tell me do you have something to say
Don’t get me wrong
But I miss my home
And it feels like I’m a million miles away
San Angelo

Why do I ask these questions
How come I have these doubts
Cause I find every situation
It always seems to have
It’s way of working out

But it’s in between the start and end
I find myself once again
Questioning this place
Calling out your name

I had a conversation with my Dear Heart some years ago about the demands we put on people… it was a problem I remember him struggling with at the time and I had a “flash of brilliance” (few and far between).  But I think it sort of let us both off the hook with each other.  Being in some sort of relationship with someone (whatever type – work, parental, sibling, social, lover) doesn’t give either person the greenlight to put the other on a pedestal.  That person puts their pants on the same way I do.  They have the same multi-faceted kind of existence as I do… facets and thoughts and perceptions that I don’t share (not that I wouldn’t want to, but just factually don’t).  To ask them to deal with life the same way I do, or the way I imagine it should be, is putting a demand on them that they are probably not going to be able to live up to.  And so, who needs to build that kind of disappointment into their relationships?  Why do that to yourself?  There is ONE that I put all my eggs in the basket with, and that has brought me much peace in every other relationship.  That is one that I can’t teach you, I can’t convince you of… can’t even describe it very well.  I just know it’s there.  I’ve walked it, and the walking is the teaching of it.

I love my Dear Heart with a depth that boggles my mind sometimes.   I don’t know if I deserve his patience with me or his perseverance with every flaw that makes me, uniquely me.  But we have grown together over these 22 years and we have grown separately.   And it’s amazing how separately doesn’t equal  apart  by necessity.  And I think that it is only possible because I receive the love I give from Someone who suffered more.

Not alone in a thumping arena section 22… and not alone in 22 years.  And sometimes I stand amazed.

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